Back in the mid-20th Century, a common perception of good leadership was of the stoic, calm, well-dressed man at the top of the org chart. Such a leader could exhibit enough emotion to deliver a rousing speech, scold a subordinate, or issue top-down mandates, but the ideal image was a steady hand at the helm of the corporate ship.
But as concepts such as authenticity, empathy, and transparency gained traction in leadership circles, the stoic leader became a symbol of a bygone era. Today’s employees want a leader who is relatable—one they can feel connected to. And research shows that leading with compassion not only improves the employee experience—it can also result in more promotions and higher income for leaders.
Of course, letting every emotion or impulse drive your leadership is also not a good plan for driving business results and people results. While it’s okay to have a bad day or make a mistake, leaders need to calibrate their emotions to respond appropriately in the work environment. Somewhere between full emotional transparency and complete stoicism is a balance that begins with emotional intelligence.
What Is Emotional Intelligence?
The term “emotional intelligence” or “EQ” was first popularized by psychologist Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence. Goleman defines it as “your ability to recognize, understand, and use the role of emotions to manage yourself and your relationships with others.” His goal is to teach people to tune into their emotions with intelligence and to expand their circles of caring.
Goleman identifies five signs of emotional intelligence:
- Self-awareness
- Self-regulation
- Motivation
- Empathy
- Social skills
At Stewart Leadership, we’ve identified ten markers of an emotionally intelligent person:
- You’re curious about people.
- You embrace change.
- You know your strengths and weaknesses.
- You’re a good judge of character.
- You neutralize toxic people.
- You know how to say no (to yourself and others).
- You let go of mistakes and grudges.
- You give and expect nothing in return.
- You don’t seek perfection.
- You appreciate what you have.
But understanding what constitutes emotional intelligence and using behaviors that demonstrate it are two different things. Here are five ways to manage your emotions and develop emotional intelligence.
5 Behaviors to Develop Emotional Intelligence
1. Do “In-The-Moment” EQ Checks
As a leader, you’ve likely experienced many moments of communication ambiguity. Perhaps it’s a heated discussion, a complex employee challenge, or a complicated business choice. You may feel tempted to say the first thing that comes to mind.
Take a pause and do a quick EQ check. Ask yourself:
- Does this need to be said?
- Does this need to be said by me?
- Does this need to be said now?
Filtering your contribution through this brief check can help ensure you say the right thing at the right time.
2. Manage Your Ego
To be a leader, you need some level of ego—the question is, “How much?” Some ego is necessary to advocate for your team, introduce innovative ideas, and act with confidence when you’re “on stage.” However, too much ego can quickly turn toxic, resulting in lost relationships, poor business performance, and a derailed career.
Managing your ego means being willing to share the spotlight and support others on your team. Try to approach your leadership role from the perspective of a servant leader, and give your team purpose, autonomy, and credit for successes. As we say at Stewart Leadership, “It’s amazing what can be accomplished if you don’t care who gets the credit.”
3. Approach Feedback With Courage—and Compassion
Giving and receiving feedback can be one of the most challenging and stressful parts of your leadership role. Our brains often struggle to receive feedback, especially when it’s unexpected or unusually harsh. But giving and receiving feedback is also vital to your career and your team’s long-term success. Without feedback, no one can improve.
For the best success in giving and receiving feedback, start by preparing for tough conversations ahead of time with questions to help clarify the issues. Then follow the two-step feedback model. Step one of this model focuses on the behavior of another person—what was actually observed. When addressing behavior, stay focused at first on the facts:
- When you were late…
- What you said about the team…
- How you approached that meeting…
Step two of the model focuses on the result of the behavior—what was the impact? In this step, it’s all right to provide information about emotional responses as well as the factual impact of the behavior:
- I felt let down…
- The customer lost confidence…
- The project was delayed…
- The team was disappointed…
4. Calibrate Your Negative Emotions
Everyone has rough days, and we are all human. Even leaders get frustrated, stuck, and unwell. The challenge as a leader is to calibrate these emotions to the environment and avoid impacting the team or business negatively. This doesn’t mean leaders have to hide their emotions; instead, they need to express them appropriately for the moment. When leaders keep their negative emotions to themselves, they are likelier to express inappropriate anger at the wrong people.
When negative emotions strike, take a pause. Consider walking away from work for a bit to get some self-care, or if that’s not possible, see if a team member can step in to help. When more transparency is possible, be honest with your team.
5. Pursue Growth Through Action Planning
Leaders should regularly identify one or two essential action items to improve how they manage their emotions. When team members, colleagues, or superiors offer feedback, add specific items to your Individual Action Plan, and create accountability for improving how you manage your emotions.
Emotional intelligence is vital for leaders, and managing emotions is a key way to build trust with others and develop a strong leadership presence. As you pursue business excellence, look for ways to humanize the work experience for yourself and your team members. Your efforts will likely result in better business results and people results.
Self-check:
- What is one way I could better share the spotlight with others in my organization?
- Is there one way I could better express negative emotions without hurting my team? How?
- If my team could recommend one action item for me to improve my EQ, what would they recommend?
